Verdict, No. 16

(find the judgment here)

The Dog Stars

by Peter Heller

"I wake from dream into dream and am not sure why I keep going. That I suspect only curiosity keeps me alive. That I'm not sure any longer if that is enough."

*

An apt example sentence if ever there was one. For this is exactly what I found myself wondering about...two pages into the book. What is it about adult fiction that makes writers suddenly feel free to go crazy? I know I am a self-proclaimed lover of young adult literature and people don't tend to take me seriously because of it. But maybe it's because adult fiction is really just a bunch of grown-ups trying to prove they're not kids anymore. But they do it in the most asinine way possible. 

Now, I wouldn't exactly call myself a prude. There are books with swearing, sex, or drug use that I can appreciate. As long as there's a reason for it--as in it makes sense. So the first few F words, fine. This guys living in a crappy world filled with awful people, I guess a dirty mouth only makes sense. But this book averaged about three F words a page. At some three hundred pages...it becomes a little excessive. And then there's the whole sex thing. I know, I know. People have sex. It happens. It's a thing of life. And men who go nine years without it I'm sure would naturally think about it were a beautiful woman to suddenly walk into their lives. But I don't need to know every awkward detail just because it's happening. With or without the sex scene, the book would happen. So why be so blatant and crude about it? Since when did vulgarity equal maturity?

It's kind of an unfair standard: if drugs, sex, and swearing are in YA fiction, people are up in arms claiming literature is ruining their kids' moralities. It's YA books that are banned from schools, too awful for their dear children to face. Books like Catcher in the Rye or anything Mark Twain. But when I read something about F-ing with some hot young thing and all the...let's say intimate details involved, I want to turn around and yell "Right back at ya." Cuz things here just got awkward real fast. 

This is why I read YA, people. 

And maybe it is just me, but I think this book would have been just as strong without all that. Okay, let's be fair: without so much of it. But I doubt it would have gotten so much attention. Because people like the shock and awe factor. They like inexplicable gore and violence and sensuality. You see it in movies, you see it in books. So maybe it's inevitable. Maybe I should let adult fiction be just that: adult. So let's ignore all that lovely stuff and focus on the story. Did I like it?

Maybe. I can't really say. I wasn't at all invested in the main character, Hig, or his life decisions. But I was interested in the world he was forced to reside in. And there was a certain effortlessness to Heller's Hemingway-like prose. It was simplistic. Stylistic. Choppy. Desperate. Interesting (once you got into the swing of it). Heller does a great job at characterizing a heartless world and, while there doesn't seem to be much rhyme or reason to the plot, that same inexplicability makes this desperate world seem all the more real. And Hig's heartbreak for his dead wife is...beautiful. The obsession for the dog--practically titular--is unexplained. In fact, it's mostly forgotten after about thirty pages in when the animal, well, dies. It became almost awkward when Hig brought it up later--as if Heller realized that maybe if he wanted "dog" in the title, he should keep mentioning it throughout. Even as a way to keep someone from killing him. Cuz that would work on me.

So, yes, this is a chilling novel, a frightening world, and it's a story about a broken man's search for wholeness in a shattered world. There were definitely some heart-wrenching, hopeless and beautiful parts. But they were far and few between, tangled around a mess of distracting vulgarity. Call me quaint, but it just didn't work for me. So if this is the best of new adult fiction, count me out. I'd so rather have a taste of YA any day. 

Judgment, No. 16

The Dog Stars

by Peter Heller

"Both savagely funny and achingly sad, a breathtaking story about what it means to be human." 

*

This is a new book in the ever-tired genre of post-apocalyptic fiction. Only this time it's not about girls and boys pretending to be grown up, sticking it to the man, fighting for their lives amongst zombies and vampires whilst falling in love with the mysterious new boy/girl. This is about a man and his dog and their search for happiness after they've lost everything. Well, after everything they've lost was taken from them.

So, it has everything I love (at least at this point in my life): dogs, disasters...and a lack of teenage drama. It sounds amazing.

But, really. Everyone from Oprah to the Salt Lake Tribune is raving about it. It's been a while since I've judged or even read adult fiction (now, don't be crude) so I'm not exactly sure how to go about this. The predictability of YA is gone. I would say, though, this seems like a cross between I Am Legend...and any number of dog-people books. I'm sure there will be love/making which could be beautiful/awkward. Hig, the main character, will probably be a callous guy whose only soft spot revolves around the memory of a wife and his faithful dog.

In any case, I am excited to read again. I am excited to read this. And I am excited to see if it really is as amazing as everyone is saying.

Here's hoping.

In Protest

This is the weekend a million screaming tweens and their moms gather together to gush in high-pitched tremors of just how much Twilight means to them. All around me--at college--people are discussing the newest film. As if there's anything really to talk about. It's just the "A Baby Story" from Hell. Boy and girl have sex, girl gets pregnant, wolf gets protective, everyone cries, baby rips itself out of womb, girl should die, luckily boy is a vampire and saves her life...by taking it.

Awesome.

If you haven't guessed, I can't stand Twilight. Not just because of the poor writing or the fact that, by the end, it morphs into soft porn, but mostly because the "lessons" in them.... /shudder. The Bella-Edward dynamic, it's just not healthy. On any level. Nor is it ever romantic. Please, please, PLEASE explain to me how a 200-year-old creeping into your room in the middle of the night to watch you sleep is romantic? It's not. But people aren't just like "OMG, this is so not real life!" No, people get serious about it. I read an article about a woman who told her husband she wouldn't have sex with him until Bella slept with Edward. And then there's TwilightMoms.com, where these women spend THOUSANDS on Twilight tours and figurines. They even annotate their books. Of course, in response, there's husbandsagainsttwilight.com which is replete with horror stories about crazy, obsessive wives pricking their fingers and licking the blood as foreplay.

So this isn't simply a dumb book people like. It's a book people worship. And it's sick.

Some people (read: little girls and bored housewives) consider my view on Twilight to be misanthropic. I'm just jealous, I just don't understand, etc., etc., etc. But, no, this is not mere cynicism. This is built on a life of reading literature that inspired me. Not in a lecture-ish way (I mean, look at this blog: heaven knows I like some silly stuff), but I still learned about being strong, smart, brave. From The Magic Tree House series to Chronicles of Narnia, even Little Women and definitely Harry Potter. There's good stuff out there. But Twilight? Mostly, I can't stand when negative qualities--especially sexist qualities--are professed to be something good, something enlightened. Bella Swan is no role model. She's weak and Edward relishes in the control. What Stephenie Meyer calls chivalry I call male chauvinism.

I am not opposed to a man holding a door open for me, paying for my meal, even buying a gift. I am opposed to a man telling me what to drive, telling me I can't drive, and definitely watching me sleep. Bleh, I say, bleh. Not to mention, he's there because she smells good. She's his own personal brand of heroin, remember? But that's a major question of mine: shouldn't the attraction end once the crack-infested blood stops pumping through her veins? That's all he wants, right? That's why he's there; that's why he can't stay away: she is the object of his blood-lust. And that's what romance is--at least to Meyer.

I mean, their relationship (if you can call it that), isn't built on anything. What do they ever talk about? How they shouldn't be together. I doubt he even knows her favorite color. Because, I mean, he never really lets her talk. He abandons her, but then even keeps her from moving on. He is the one deciding what is best for her; she has no say. When they get together, when they have sex, even when she becomes a vampire--these are all decided by him. It's disgusting.

But it's not like she has much going for her anyway.

Meyer tries to make Bella a sort of feminist--what, since she's not "pretty" and so introspective. But all she really seems concerned about is being a year older than her ageless boyfriend before they hit the sack. Really? That's what's eating her up inside? Not that, say, she has an affinity for attracting mystical creatures, or that her boyfriend wanted to kill her when they first met, or that her in-laws almost ate her. Nope, she's just some shallow teenage girl. And it's probably a good thing that Edward can't read her thoughts because I'm pretty sure even he'd be running for cover, terrified by how insipid, dim-witted, shallow-minded, and obsessive-compulsive his forever-love is. I mean, she's the one who becomes attracted to him when she realizes he is physically repulsed by her; she's one who goes from almost kissing the wolf-boy to running off to Europe (without telling her parents) to save her ex who left her to die in the woods; she's the one who jumps off cliffs when things don't go her way; she's the one who makes out with her wolf-boy in front of her lover-boy and only sorts through her feelings for both when, conveniently, she has a baby girl said-wolf-boy can mate with, thus solving her "perfect family" worries.

It's messed up, people.

So why do I spend so much time talking about Twilight? In my defense, it comes up when the movies come up. And they won't die. I mean, I thought this was the last one. No, it's the first part of the last one (further proof that they wish they were as cool as Harry Potter. Fact: they will never be). So there's still a whole other year before even the POSSIBILITY of Twilight fading from the human consciousness begins to happen. So I rant, I rave, and I mock. Because, okay, it's hilarious stuff (and I heard this fourth film is the funniest, so...it's got that going for it). But since this is a book blog, and since I haven't had time to read recently, I thought I'd post an old review of the Twilight series. Because it's pretty epic. And I want to spread the word in any way possible. Maybe bring a few twi-hards back to sanity.
If only.

But, without further adieu, I give you...

"Twilight, Or When Women Stepped Back A Few Hundred Years."

You know what I can't understand? How ANY of this is attractive or exciting. It's just not healthy. These are trashy novels--not as in dirty or grimy, but as in they literally belong in the trash. They're severely sexist, bordering on misogynistic; they're poorly written, relying on repetitive adjectives like "alabaster"; they offer nothing good yet purport themselves as clean and empowering when it's actually all completely irrelevant. I feel my brain cells dying when I read (or watch...moreYou know what I can't understand? How ANY of this is attractive or exciting. It's just not healthy. These are trashy novels--as in they literally belong in the trash. They're severely sexist, bordering on misogynistic; they're poorly written, relying on repetitive adjectives like "alabaster"; they offer nothing good yet purport themselves as clean and empowering when it's actually all completely irrelevant. I feel my brain cells dying when I read (or watch) any Twilight. So what business do I have here? Why did I bother. Because...it was hilarious. Depressing, sure, but hilarious. Mostly because people take it so seriously. And the fact that 14-year-old girls bond with their 40-year-old mothers over this. Isn't that reason to give pause?

I read somewhere that Edward can't read Bella's thoughts because she doesn't have any. It's something I can believe. Her motivations make no sense, her logic is nonexistent. Who she is as a person...I find myself wanting to reach into the pages and choke her out. I mean, come on--anyone actually attracted to a bloodsucking vampire just because he is, in fact, a vampire obviously has mental problems, or at least some major daddy issues. And then, at the same time, she falls inexplicably for the werewolf with anger management issues who is the exact opposite of her "soul mate." But she literally only lives to please them, turning in circles because she can't decide how to make both of them happy. She needs thrown into a Women's Studies class ASAP.

It's not like she needs to be a feminist. I understand she's a stupid, starry-eyed teenager in love. That's fine. JUST STOP HAVING HER MAKE LIFE-ALTERING DECISIONS. She is self-centered and stupid. She pretends she isn't but she is. Her friends are background noise, her parents are worse. She disrespects everyone, including herself. She sees Edward as a god--literally calling him one about 5,000 times (I could make a drinking game out of it). So she gives herself wholly over to him, regardless of what everyone/anyone else in her life would say. And then, amidst all that, she decides that yes, indeed, she's ready to risk her soul just to do it with some cold vampire. 

It's uncomfortable how much she's given herself up. As I heard one girl put it, any series that climaxes with a girl waking up bruised and battered but assures her husband over and over again that it's fine, that she understands, that it's not his fault, that she asked for it, that she loves him--it's just not healthy. It's irresponsible for anyone to purport this as any sort of ideal, perfect, fantastic relationship. It's abuse. Physical, mental, emotional. And I'm not even kidding.

Edward is overprotective, controlling, smothering. I don't care how chiseled his abs are, just how perfect he is with his "translucent" skin. There is no explanation behind their relationship beyond the sexually charged and blood-sucking-fueled tension between them. Off the page, they don't make sense together. Scratch that: even on the page, they don't make sense. There is no chemistry. Unless you call him wanting to lock her in a cage and eat her alive chemistry.

Really, everyone complains about not knowing what Bella's thinking. I'd really be interested in the vampire's inner monologue. It can't be pretty.

And then Jacob? I've never understood this whole two-polar-opposites-love-triangle-thing. What can they both see in Bella? And what does Bella possibly see in either of them? He's a dog. Literally, figuratively, all of the above. He gets a high off of pushing her around, demanding things from her until she gives in. And then he imprints. On her newborn. Even the word sounds dirty. Imprinting. On a baby. Meaning he's found his soulmate, the one he'll magically love forever, no matter what. While she's just clawed her way out of his girlfriend's womb. Now, what's really interesting here is that it seems that, even though imprinting is a magical wolf thing, these girls just go along with it. They have no choice; they've been chosen. So...yet another woman loses her identity to a man she's inexplicably paired to. Like mother, like daughter.

But that would be an interesting conversation: in the mere days it takes for this special child to grow up into a beautiful, poised, perfect little whatever-thing who will actually never live (seeing as she had no childhood and she has no future). Can't you just see them, maybe holding hands as they rip a bear gracefully apart? "Mother, I'm getting married." "It's about time, darling. You're getting old." "Don't you want to know who to?" "Oh, but everyone already knows. To your babysitter, Jacob. You know, I almost married him once. We even made out. He was in love with me for three years." "But...that's longer than I've even been alive." "I know! Isn't it wonderful?"

But, hey, that doesn't matter right? I can't insult what isn't actually discussed. And, hopefully, Twilight 2: Renesmee's Story never hits the shelves. I think even Meyer realizes she painted herself into a corner with that one.

The point is, this series is weak. It's based on a middle-aged woman's fantasies. And it's obvious she's been sheltered her whole life (though you can watch her TV interviews to figure that one out). Frankly, though, it scares me how obsessive people get over it. I feel like I'm caught in a literary Josie and the Pussy Cats where there's some message brainwashing everyone but I'm missing out on hearing it. The hype just doesn't make sense and it's terrifying that this, this is the book that will define this decade, this generation.

Remember Harry Potter? How love was never lust but something that could literally save lives? How you didn't have to be beautiful to be awesome (Hermione, Neville, Ginny, etc.)? How even when a boyfriend dumps you, you carry on instead of just, say, jumping off a cliff? 

But maybe that's my problem: I'm such a dyed-in-the-wool HP girl, I can't even pretend to understand the Twi-hards. And I hate that name. And I hate that they embrace it. If I had a choice, my nickname for them would be Twits. It's more true to life, right?

Seriously, though. I think I'm going to start telling people puppies die when they say "Twilight" and "good" in the same sentence.

Unless the sentence is "Twilight is a good piece of crap." But even that can be misleading.

Verdict, No. 15

 (find the judgment here)
 Frozen

by Robin Wasserman

*

I bought it on a whim.
I bought it because it was cheap.
I bought it because maybe I was intrigued.
I bought it because Scott Westerfeld told me to.
I bought it without really looking into it.
I bought it because I was bored.
I bought it, okay.

No matter my excuses, let me tell you now, I will never be able to justify or excuse the fact that I paid money for this book. Nor will I be able to forgive myself for insinuating to the publisher, author, etc. that I am in any way interested in this book. I'm not. And it's not that it's the worst or even stupidest book I've ever read (cough*Twilight*cough), it's just...lousy. If you can believe it, it tries too hard while not really trying at all. There's a desperate attempt at shock-and-awe, at edginess, but two-thirds into it and I saw just how quickly it was getting no where. I mean, I forgot about it for three days straight--at the climax. And, let's be honest, I haven't picked it up since. Frankly, it's just not worth the time.

Maybe the fact that they had to repackage it to try and get more sales should have been proof of that.

Judgment, No. 15

Frozen

by Robin Wasserman

"She's not the same person she used to be. Maybe she's not even a person at all."

*

This is some major sci-fi. Something I'm not usually comfortable with, that I usually avoid. Yet here I am. Why? One, it was only 9.99--the exact amount of cash I had in my pocket at the time. Two, Scott Westerfeld said it was "spellbinding." But why am I so intrepid? One, it was only 9.99--and we all know how cheap cheap books usually are (remember that trio of $5 books I bought? Unfortunately, I still do). Two, Scott Westerfeld really disappointed me when he sold himself out and made his epic Uglies trilogy a series. Which brings me to point number three: This is, in fact, a series. And, not only that, it is a reprinting of an old series originally called Skinned. As if they're hoping for more success come round two. Which feels like cheating. But they went for edgy, concept cover-art where the three books stand together to reveal--you guessed it--a (metal?) woman...dripping...with water. So...there's that. And it sounds a lot like Bicentennial Man, but a girl. And it's about a teenager. And they tend to be pretty stupid/annoying/ultra-angsty.

Still. I'm reading it.

And I think/plead that, maybe, it just might be good. The story goes that this girl in a futuristic world gets in a car wreck and her memories are transferred onto a microchip and put in a robotic body Thus, is she alive? Is she human? Is she anything? It's like A.I. Artificial Intelligence meets The Island. That's what I'm getting/hoping for at least. And, hey, if we're lucky, and seeing as she's a non-human entity and all, there won't be a love triangle. Or any romance at all! But...seeing as this is YA fiction, there's bound to be something. I just hope it's stomachable/awesome.

Man, I'm such a pessimist. I should work on that, but I probably won't.